You Dont Understand . . . and thats OK

Heck we don't understand either! And frankly we are happy you don't, we wouldn't wish Infertility on our worst enemy. That being said,I think we could all do ourselves a favor and accept that unless you are in my shoes, you just don't understand. 

But just because you don't understand first hand what we are going through or know how to "deal" with someone facing infertility your support and sensitivity can mean the world to us. A kind word, a hug, a note of encouragement can brighten the darkest day. The only way to begin to understand is to ask questions and seek advice and information. .  . and usually the person you're trying to help will not be the one to go to for these answers. We are simply trying to hold ourselves together and some times we want to be an advocate and educate you on our mental, emotional and medical state and some times. . . we don't.

Thankfully there are so many resources that should you really want to help us I encourage you to read up on. Here are a few of my favorites that might help you better understand

10 Ways to Help Support Friends Dealing with Infertility

The Disgrace of Infertility

9 Things Every Infertile Wants Women with Children to Know

10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Support Someone with Infertility

Book Review : Hannah's Hope

I've always found solace in books and as we walk this journey through infertility I find books to once again being comfort and prospective when I am in need. I've searched high and low to find books on infertility. Being that it is such a taboo topic, usually not talked about and often suffered in silence, the choices are pretty slim. Hannah's Hope was my first find and hands down the most referred book by those daily fighting this battle.

Once I started readying I knew right away why so many loved this book. Each chapter, sentence and word is pure healing. Mixing the stories of Hannah from 1 Samuel and her own Jennifer Saake gives insights into the feelings and pain of infertility all while reminding us of the source of Hope we have in Christ. I know I cant do it justice but I would sum it up as a book that recognizes the pain of the moment while embracing the hope of our future.

 It touches on so many topics. A few of my favorites were

1. Our emotional state - Bitterness, Envy, Anguish, Grief (pg 46 "God knows this grief personally. He has gone to greater measures to make you his child than you will ever go in the pursuit of growing your own family")
2. Our Faith- (pg 126 " The more I study the more I am convinced that when God wills, He moves, even when my faith is shaky. If I offer to him the faith I have with the attitude of 'I do believe; help my unbelief' (Mark 9:24) He does the rest")
3. Infertility & the church  (pg 137 "Unfortunately, its likely that there is at least one hurting family longing for a child, sitting in each church every Sunday")
4. How others can help us.Each chapter as a "Burden bearers" section with insight for friends and family on how to help and pray for us

My favorite chapter is 15. Worshiping While Waiting when hard times hit I go back to this chapter to reread the truth contained to help me along the way. On page 76 she states " Learning to worship through the wait was not a one-time event, but an on going process." Oh how true, its a daily process.

Over all a great read not only for those who are personally walking this road but also for those who want to help someone who is. I highly recommend picking up a copy for yourself and a copy to give as a gift to any one your know suffering trough the heart break  of infertility.

Operation gluten Free

2014 is going to be a great year! The sorrows, pain and lessons learned are left in 2013, always there to remind me of how far we have come but its time to move forward.

After much research Ryan and I decided to go Gluten Free for Q1 2014 (can you tell I work in retail where everything is done quarterly) for a number of reasons

1. Unexplained infertility is a symptom of gluten intolerance
2. We both have inconsistent digestive issues
3. Unprocessed food is healthy
4. it takes an estimated 3 months to clear your system of gluten

Our goal is #1 to lead healthy lives and #2 to have a baby.

If we are successful in either these areas or see improvement we will continue a GF lifestyle.

One major lesson learned in the past 2 weeks is that completely changing our diet is not working for us but finding the GF alternative of our usual diet it.

Remember this post of my moms Chicken Pot Pie? Well subbing the flour and condensed soups with a GF versions was all it took to re-create a dish we love while being sensitive to our systems.

The crust has a bit of  different texture but over all it was close enough to the original!

Blog Friend Give Away

Looking for some inspiration?


Well look no further that my friend Chelsea's Blog.

Not only are her words soothing to the soul, her insights challenge us to  live and love better.

AND shes offering a great give away!

Well what are you waiting for? Go and enter!

Something to be Thankful for

Thanksgiving the time of year we list off all our blessings, luxuries and loved ones that make our lives so full of meaning.

Have you ever had an UN-thankful Thanksgiving? Well that's how I've been feeling. Not exactly un-thankful and that leads me to second guess this post as I am not even sure what exactly I am feeling.

This year has officially been the hardest of my 30 years! Between our fertility struggles( including failed IUI, IVF, 2 Failed Frozen transfers) To mt mother fighting Breast and cervical cancer, My FIL's battle with heart disease. My supervisors Son being in a horrific car accident that left  him with 4th degree burns over  30-40% of his body. I've never been more aware of how precious and fragile life is both to create and to keep.

I know I should be thankful for a coat on my back and food in my belly but its hard to see those then these big things are clouding my vision. With every Facebook post or round the table thankful declaration my heart struggles with finding the balance of being real with out bringing the gray could to a festive event.

What I am thankful for is GRIEF and that GOD allows us to feel and process pain. That He dosent require us to put a band aide on it and keep going, to get up dress up and show up with a smile. He is there in our darkest hour allowing us to HURT with HOPE. We can grieve a lost dream but know that He has the ability to give new ones. We can grieve lost loved ones but know that we will one day be reunited. We can grieve health but know that He can heal and give the strength to keep going.

It may not be the traditional answer but there really is always SOMETHING to be thankful for!

Happily Ever After?

We all grow up with this fairy tale mentality.

We search for our prince charming.

Dream of our story book wedding and long for our happily ever after.

2008 brought me my prince

2010 brought me my story book wedding

but this happily ever after? It is tuning into quite the novel.

Its filled with chapters chock full of love, hope, heartache & drama.

I am learning that its not a time or place, its a choice

I'm tired of adding chapters but its the story given to us by a GOD who I am convinced LOVES us.

As this next chapter starts I am determined to "lift my eyes up" and encourage others to do the same.

How can I do that?

A quote was posted by a Facebook friend and continues to echo in my heart

I can help others by being open & honest about our struggles and journey and by being available to help and support others who are called to walk this path. This is why I mass posted some of my older entries that sat as drafts for months and almost years. Oh to be so naive, sadly those days are gone. I took a hiatus in which I internalized and shut out most of my feelings but I soon learned that does me no good nor does it help me help others.

I remember writing this post after I was convinced that my next direction would be kids/family but stick in  circle of indecision when it didn't happen but here we are over a year later an my quest continues to find LOVE in everyday LIFE.

Normal?

Nov 6th

As we begin this road of finding out why we are not the "normal" couple that gets pregnenat with in a year of trying its hard to be told you are in deed "normal."

Test after test that shows no abnormality.

Ovulation - yup your body is like clock work = normal

Thyroid - your numbers are low come on in for more blood work  well your numbers are low but they fall with in the "normal" range.

Progesterone - levels are normal.

I could go on and on - but the end result is that we still done know why.

God's timing? - While I dont question His timing but i wont lie and say i understand at all.

Today is my HSG test which will tell us if there is any blockage in my baby making parts.

Here is the low down on what Im in for

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hysterosalpingography