Monday, November 11, 2013

Who am I

October 4, 2012

Fort Lauderdale, a place of beauty. Sunrise and sunset. Where I spent a few days on a  work trip full of meetings and training  These trips are fun, glamorous and a nice break from the usual daily grind of the retail world. This was my 3rd trip. The first destination New Orleans followed by Las Vegas. .But this trip was different, unlike the rest.

I had a break down.  . . .

You see I had been career pathing for years trying to move up and reach goals and conquer my field.

I had been on the right path until I had to make a choice between my family or my career. Things were getting too demanding, I was loosing myself, my stress level was sky high, relationships suffering, I sleep deprived but I had the title I wanted and was cashing in quite nicely.

I thought I could do it all, have the career AND family. After 6 months of unsuccessful baby making I realized maybe I couldn't have it all. At least not now.

I took a step down, a demotion in most peoples eyes. It was a decision I made to support and maintain the family structure I wanted. I thought the stress was standing in the way of getting the family.

This week while sitting on a yacht I realized here I am 6 months later I still don't have the career OR family I want or planned. I sacrificed my job, my title, my experience in attempt to have a baby that I am still unsuccessful in attaining.

Im feeling lost. As a professional control freak this is not a position I am familiar with. I work hard to get the results I want. I've climbed the latter and seen the view from the top of my field. But here I sit speechless  unfulfilled, unsatisfied with no idea what tomorrow will hold or what the future looks like.

I want the baby in my arms over the check in my pocket, the title or the respect from those in my field. Only I never thought growing my family would be so hard. I'm doing my part yet not getting the results. Im at a loss. No longer knowing the next step, left to ponder and over alazyse this situation.

Dramatic? Maybe.

But this is me, this is where I am at. I've lost my corporate identity with nothing to replace it.

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