Thursday, November 28, 2013

Something to be Thankful for

Thanksgiving the time of year we list off all our blessings, luxuries and loved ones that make our lives so full of meaning.

Have you ever had an UN-thankful Thanksgiving? Well that's how I've been feeling. Not exactly un-thankful and that leads me to second guess this post as I am not even sure what exactly I am feeling.

This year has officially been the hardest of my 30 years! Between our fertility struggles( including failed IUI, IVF, 2 Failed Frozen transfers) To mt mother fighting Breast and cervical cancer, My FIL's battle with heart disease. My supervisors Son being in a horrific car accident that left  him with 4th degree burns over  30-40% of his body. I've never been more aware of how precious and fragile life is both to create and to keep.

I know I should be thankful for a coat on my back and food in my belly but its hard to see those then these big things are clouding my vision. With every Facebook post or round the table thankful declaration my heart struggles with finding the balance of being real with out bringing the gray could to a festive event.

What I am thankful for is GRIEF and that GOD allows us to feel and process pain. That He dosent require us to put a band aide on it and keep going, to get up dress up and show up with a smile. He is there in our darkest hour allowing us to HURT with HOPE. We can grieve a lost dream but know that He has the ability to give new ones. We can grieve lost loved ones but know that we will one day be reunited. We can grieve health but know that He can heal and give the strength to keep going.

It may not be the traditional answer but there really is always SOMETHING to be thankful for!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Happily Ever After?

We all grow up with this fairy tale mentality.

We search for our prince charming.

Dream of our story book wedding and long for our happily ever after.

2008 brought me my prince

2010 brought me my story book wedding

but this happily ever after? It is tuning into quite the novel.

Its filled with chapters chock full of love, hope, heartache & drama.

I am learning that its not a time or place, its a choice

I'm tired of adding chapters but its the story given to us by a GOD who I am convinced LOVES us.

As this next chapter starts I am determined to "lift my eyes up" and encourage others to do the same.

How can I do that?

A quote was posted by a Facebook friend and continues to echo in my heart

I can help others by being open & honest about our struggles and journey and by being available to help and support others who are called to walk this path. This is why I mass posted some of my older entries that sat as drafts for months and almost years. Oh to be so naive, sadly those days are gone. I took a hiatus in which I internalized and shut out most of my feelings but I soon learned that does me no good nor does it help me help others.

I remember writing this post after I was convinced that my next direction would be kids/family but stick in  circle of indecision when it didn't happen but here we are over a year later an my quest continues to find LOVE in everyday LIFE.


Nov 6th

As we begin this road of finding out why we are not the "normal" couple that gets pregnenat with in a year of trying its hard to be told you are in deed "normal."

Test after test that shows no abnormality.

Ovulation - yup your body is like clock work = normal

Thyroid - your numbers are low come on in for more blood work  well your numbers are low but they fall with in the "normal" range.

Progesterone - levels are normal.

I could go on and on - but the end result is that we still done know why.

God's timing? - While I dont question His timing but i wont lie and say i understand at all.

Today is my HSG test which will tell us if there is any blockage in my baby making parts.

Here is the low down on what Im in for

Next Steps

September 16, 2012

I took a break from the baby making documentary because frankly - id rather forget this summer, there's not much I'd like to remember. Summer of 2012 held more heart break that I imagined, more questions than I have answers and more pain than wine can sooth.

Everything looks fine, keep trying, don't stress. I'm over those answers. Im still young but I had my heart set on a baby before I tuned 30. Now I'll just be happy to get pregnant before 30 but we are only a few short months away from me changing that to baby while I'm 30 or getting pregnant while 30. I know those milestones are in my head and that God laughs at our plans, but I don't think He laughs at our heart ache and have a hard time thinking He'd give me desires He has no intention to fulfill.

My prayer has become "God give me your best." I know his best is better than my ideas. His timing is better than mine and His plan will ultimately bring fulfillment.

All that said - I still need answers. We've started the journey of fertility/infertility treatment. The insurance company has been contacted, appointment requests have been sent. Hope of all hope - we'll get pregnant before we set foot in an office. Time will tell what God's plan is, I know one thing for sure - I want a baby and when he/she is in my arms all this pain will have been worth it. As I have said before and I know I will say again  . .  The End Will Justify The Pain It Took To Get Us Here.

The Never Ending Questions

Fill in the blank.

It all started senior year of High Shcool. The first question was asked. "Sooooo . . .  .what are your plans? College?"

Then it was "Soooooo . . . when are you going to find a guy and settle down?

 (as if these quality guys are just waiting around to be picked when ever and where ever)

You find a quality guy and it "Soooooo . . . .is he the one? When is he going to pop the question?"

He asks you say yes and then you hear "Sooooo . . . .whens the wedding?"

You set the date and asnwer questuion after questuion about every detail of the pending day. You have these lofty dreams that the questions will end and it will just be you and your prince charming living happily ever after.

But then the wedding day arrvies and I challange any bride to make it thru the day with out some one asking 

"Sooooo . . . .when can we expect a baby?"

Soooo . . . . .plans to expand the family?"

I've realized the questions are NEVER ENDING. they are usually asked in love and good intentions but they can be come unbearable and some times painful.

I remember those days when I wondered if I would ever meet "The One". Fear that I'd never fall in LOVE and experience a lifetime with my best friend by my side. Being on the other side of all those questions I know that God knows best and His plan will unfold in His perfect time, BUT those questions can still hurt and bring up doubts and insecurities.

As we face the last question on a daily basis from friend, families, co-workers and acquaintances alike it brings up a sensitive subject. 

We are fans of "how I met your Mother" and the episode where Lilly freaks out because everyone knows they are trying led us to keep mum about our baby attempts as pretty private subject for us and just plain awkward to be discussing!

Here are are 7 months into trying and we still don't have any answers to give only more questions of our own.

We look forward to the day we can tell everyone to expect an addition to our family until then - we wait, we pray and we wait some more.

6 Days Sooner

I'm tired of seeing that single line. Its hard to stay positive when this stick is so negative!

I'm good with relaxing and letting things take their own time and their own course. I cant handle the trying and the tracking and the charting and the temp checking. I know things will fall into place when the time is right.

the problem is - the disappointment is so heavy. There's hope and excitement in the what if. but then the time comes and I cant help it - if the box says "up to 6 days sooner" then heck yes I want to know six days sooner or ASAP. I mean why wait on that type of knowing. Only thing is the disappointment instead of excitement sets in 6 days sooner.

I wish I could get my $ back for every test that came back negative - I'd save it all for one test to come back positive.

Until then . . . . .

Mother's Day

Today is Mothers Day and for as long as I can remember its always been a day of reflection of years gone by and memories made with the most amazing mother in the world. I cant get over how blessed I am. My mother is fantastic and hearing about other peoples negative experiences, interaction and relationships with their mother I know how truly blessed I am.

Then an equally amazing mother in Love was added to the mix. Not only and I blessed My husband had a great mother growing up and I am double blessed by having her in my life. There are so many MONSTER in LAW stories that its easy to assume that the relationship between Daughters and Mothers in law can not be good but its great to break the mold and have a great relationship with her too!

After all the reflection of things gone by this year there has been a shift. Mothers day for the first time has me looking forward, to the future. Only its not a calming, peaceful or joyful place to be. Instead I am filled with Anxiety and stress. After 7 months of "trying" I cant help but wonder why is hasn't happened yet. I know that I am young and this is normal but the thoughts and fears are still there. For as long as I can remember I wanted kids and couldn't wait to be a mom, now that the right time is here its seems to be harder that expected.. I had thought that by now there would be news to share, to much excitement to contain and visions of babies in the future, instead its another negative pregnancy test.

Here is a deep breath, a moment to focus on what is and a conscious decision to stop stressing and enjoy moments like this. Moments of peace, quiet, fond memories and dreams of the future.

Who am I

October 4, 2012

Fort Lauderdale, a place of beauty. Sunrise and sunset. Where I spent a few days on a  work trip full of meetings and training  These trips are fun, glamorous and a nice break from the usual daily grind of the retail world. This was my 3rd trip. The first destination New Orleans followed by Las Vegas. .But this trip was different, unlike the rest.

I had a break down.  . . .

You see I had been career pathing for years trying to move up and reach goals and conquer my field.

I had been on the right path until I had to make a choice between my family or my career. Things were getting too demanding, I was loosing myself, my stress level was sky high, relationships suffering, I sleep deprived but I had the title I wanted and was cashing in quite nicely.

I thought I could do it all, have the career AND family. After 6 months of unsuccessful baby making I realized maybe I couldn't have it all. At least not now.

I took a step down, a demotion in most peoples eyes. It was a decision I made to support and maintain the family structure I wanted. I thought the stress was standing in the way of getting the family.

This week while sitting on a yacht I realized here I am 6 months later I still don't have the career OR family I want or planned. I sacrificed my job, my title, my experience in attempt to have a baby that I am still unsuccessful in attaining.

Im feeling lost. As a professional control freak this is not a position I am familiar with. I work hard to get the results I want. I've climbed the latter and seen the view from the top of my field. But here I sit speechless  unfulfilled, unsatisfied with no idea what tomorrow will hold or what the future looks like.

I want the baby in my arms over the check in my pocket, the title or the respect from those in my field. Only I never thought growing my family would be so hard. I'm doing my part yet not getting the results. Im at a loss. No longer knowing the next step, left to ponder and over alazyse this situation.

Dramatic? Maybe.

But this is me, this is where I am at. I've lost my corporate identity with nothing to replace it.

Check up

June 28, 2012

Yesterday I had a DR appointment to make sure all is well in Baby Making Land.

She says we are still in the normal time frame and there's not need to freak out YET but next steps are blood work for me to make sure there are no abnormalities. She also gave a few tips and suggestions.

Here is some food for thought from


Here are some infertility statistics:infertility statistics
  • 1.1% have to use artificial insemination (ivf) or intra-uterine insemination
  • 3.8% of women have received ovulation drugs
  • 4.8% will have to have some sort of fertility testing
  • 5.5% will have to seek measures to help prevent miscarriage
  • 6.1% have to seek professional counseling about infertility
  • 11.8% of women will not only have trouble conceiving, but problems carrying a baby to term. This is known as impaired fecundity.

I'm trying to to stress and over analyze but its hard - I always took having a baby for granted and never once thought i'd have to work for it or that it wouldn't just happen when I wanted it.

Here we are months in. I know of a few friends and family who have suffered miscarriages and cant imagine the pain of that. Which is worse, your body refusing to make a baby or your body refusing the keep a baby? Both are 100% devastating and cause you to ask "WHY?"